Sir Shagalot & his band of Merry-Men

Thanks To Fluffy Forwzy for this!!! The second part is on its way and should be up soon!!

The Adventures of Sir Shagalot and his merry mateys!

Many, many years ago, back when there was great kings and spectacular wizards, were people still feared dragons and evil witches locked beautiful princesses in towers, there lived a brave (though slightly odd) Knight, his name was Sir Shagalot.  Sir Shagalot was the best knight in the court of King Harry.  King Harry was once a very powerful king, unfortunately he got very fond of the drink and of crazy rockin music.  He now spends a lot of his time legless, and he can’t see too well either.
Sir Shagalot roamed around the region of Bedlingalot making sure that all the baddies were caught and all the people had decent music to listen to.  You see Sir Shagalot also played guitar and wrote songs.  He had no time for people who couldn’t play or sing and committed crimes against decent music.  So he would kung fu their medieval asses and go on his merry way.

Sir Shagalot had a trusty steed called Hughhhhbert.  Hughhhhhbert was a great horse.  He loved Sir Shagalot; his heart would pound in his chest as Sir Shagalot mounted him and rode him hard all over the countryside.  Over hedges, through the cooling streams and over the rolling hills.  After a hard day riding he loved to feel Sir Shagalot brush him down.
Every evening in the court there was a party.  Sir Shagalot took to the stage with Hughhhhhhbert the horse, Dazlin the mighty wizard (who loved to rock out of an evening) and Sav the poor kitchen hand belted it out on the pots and pans.  They collectively called themselves “Nicked Arthur”. When “Nicked Arthur” took a break, the jester Stevie entertained everybody.  He did things like drink loads of beer and run around a pole and then run up to the top of a garden around something and back………………most of the time this didn’t go according to plan.  Jester Stevie spent a lot of time on the ground seeing stars and not the stars in the sky.

One day as Sir Shagalot was riding Hughhhbert, his trusty steed; along the Bedlington Common (or the green opposite the pub) he heard this unmerciful caterwauling. Hughhhhhbert got such a fright he dismounted Sir Shagalot.  After Sir Shagalot composed himself and Hughhhhbert stopped shaking they walked, slowly, towards the awful screeching noise.   There behind the bins, which were overflowing with empty beer cans and cider bottles, was the local tramp Higgaziggaaa.  He had found a broken old guitar and clearly was under the impression he could not only play it, but also sing!  Sir Shagalot and Hughhhbert, his trusty steed, glanced at each other and rolled their eyes…………..It was time for some serious Kung Fu………Hughhhhhhbert  moved slowly behind Higgaziggaaa, turned away from him and kicked out with his (rather muscular) hind legs.  He caught Higgaziggaaa on the butt with his hoofs and sent him flying into the air.  As he landed, Sir Shagalot threw his sword, the sword landed right between Higgaziggaaas legs, pinning him to the ground at the crotch of his pants.

With a skill not seen outside of Tibet, Sir Shagalot somersaulted with a double twist thrown in the show off and landed at the side of Higgaziggaaa.  “Think ya can sing do ya?” he shouted at the very confused (though some say this is a permanent state for Higgaziggaaa).  “Aye, I think I rock!” said a very indignant Higgaziggaaa.  Hughhhhhbert fell to ground laughing his head off making strange horsey noises that only Sir Shagalot could understand.  “Listen here, you stinky talentless tramp, if you don’t stop that infernal racket I will make sure you can never talk let alone sing, and I use the word sing very loosely, ever again!”  Higgaziggaaa agreed that he wouldn’t sing again or try to play the guitar; Sir Shagalot freed him by lifting his sword from the ground.  Higgaziggaaa slopped off with the broken guitar (and his torn trousers) trailing between his legs.

Now usually once Sir Shagalot and Hughhhbert have Kung Fu’d someone’s butt they slope off and that’s the end of it, but not in this case.   At 5am, just as the sun was rising the next morning, and as most the court of King Harry were still sleeping off the effects of the previous night festivities, the usual music by “Nicked Arthur” and crazy antics of Jester Stevie, there was a sudden and truly horrendous wailing noise.  The mighty wizard Dazlin awoke with a start, “good grief, what on earth is that terrible din”, he said.  He jumped out of bed and with a snap of his fingers his pjs changed into his wizardry clothes, you know what I mean, the usual long cloak with star and moons on it etc. Just as he was about to run out the door he noticed the back on someone’s head poking out from under his bed clothes, he scratched his head and realised he had obviously drank way too many test tubes the night before, there was no time to find out who it was now, he needed to find Sir Shagalot!

At the same time Sir Shagalot was woken by the noise, his head was pounding, “damn Stevie the Jester and his drinking games”, he muttered as he stumbled out of bed blurry eyed and fell over Hughhbert , his trusty steed, who always slept in Sir Shagalot’s room.  “ffs Hughhhbert, move yer arse”, he yelled.  “Right, because I am so easy to trip over, that’s what you get for not listening to me. I told you not to have that last drink”, Hughhhbert retorted.

“Oh so you think it was that LAST drink that did it?  It couldn’t have been the 2 dozen I had before that no?  Honestly Hughhbert sometimes I worry about your mental stability”, said Sir Shagalot.

“MY mental stability? You are the one having a conversation with a horse, a horse that YOU tripped over too I might add”, replied Hughhbert.
Just has Sir Shagalot turned to answer Hughhbert there was aloud knock on the door, “Sir Shagalot, get off whoever you are on and sort of this god awful racket”. Dazlin had reached Sir Shagalot’s room and was banging on the door.

“I’m coming, give me a sec”, shouted Sir Shagalot.

“A sec?” replied Dazlin, “god love that poor girl you are with.  No wonder they call you Shagalot, if it only takes you a second, youth certainly is wasted on the young”.
Sir Shagalot answered the door to Dazlin, half in and half out of his trousers.  “There is nobody here but Hughhbert”, he told Dazlin.
“Mhmm”, Dazlin replied, with a knowing look in his eye. Hughhhbert who had gotten to his feet, umm I mean his hooves, cocked his ears at Dazlin’s “mhmm” and glanced dreamily in Sir Shagalot’s direction.

Sir Shagalot decided to ignore Dazlin’s, knowing look, he had a thumping headache, he was about to die of thirst and there was an inhuman noise coming from somewhere.  “Ok, where is the noise coming from, cos whoever it is I am gonna kill them”, he asked Dazlin.
Just as Dazlin, opened his mouth there was a knock at the door, it had a pretty decent rhythm to it too.  “Come in Sav”, both Dazlin and Sir Shagalot called.
Sav bust into the room, he was red in the face and breathing heavily, he clearly had run a great distance. “I’ve just come from the Kings quarters, you know in the west wing of the castle; anyway, as I was taking the dirty dishes from his royal highness’s room I noticed something out of the window.  Higgaziggaaa, you know that smelly, good for nothing?, he is sitting on the wall just over the moat, I think he must be in pain, or dying or something, cos he is the one making the terrible noise”, panted Sav.

“I don’t believe it!”, Sir Shagalot said in his best Victor Meldrew voice, “myself and Hughhhbert, my trusty steed did some medieval kung fu on his butt only the other day, he agreed not to sing again.”

“Ahhh, the time has now come”, said Dazlin mysteriously.

“Come for what?”, asked Sav, who loved nothing more than a good mystery.

“Sit down and I will tell you about the legend of The Plectrum in the Stone”, said Dazlin.

The mighty wizard Dazlin told them about how legend had it that there would be someone who would be so convinced that they could sing and play music like to other that a test would have to be performed in order to prove who was gifted musically and who was no good at all.  The great kings of Geordieland got together and summonsed their most powerful wizards and sorcerers to join forces to ensure that a full proof test would be put in place to stop seriously non-talented individual from subjecting people to their awful music until they are completely and irreversibly deafened! So they decided after many beers and much vodka to place a golden Plectrum in a stone, only the truly gifted would be able to free the Plec from its hold.  The ok(ish) musicians would be able to pull it out part of the way and the completely useless feckers wouldn’t be able to budge it at all.

“There is nothing for it, we are going to have to get all the musicians to pull at the Plec to see what happens”, said Dazlin.

“I know what I would like to pull at”, said Hughhhbert under his breath, while looking at Sir Shagalot.

“I would like to know who was pulling at my…..nevermind”, said Dazlin.

“Ok, so where would we find this Plectrum and stone then? “, asked Sir Shagalot who was getting impatient now.

“Ah, well, that’s the biggest problem; it’s in the middle of the Yadontwannagointhere Forest, just passed the Dragons den, next to the fiery hell hole.  So you would have to be very careful.  Oh and I almost forgot there is also the sharp thorny bushes to contend with, only the kiss from one who truly loves you will save you from its poison if you are pricked. So who is up for the challenge?” Dazlin asked.

Sir Shagalot, Hughhhbert, his trusty steed, and Sav looked from one to the other and said in unison “I am”.

“Marvellous chaps, now we just need Stevie the Jester and we can be on our way, has anybody seen him?” Dazlin asked.

“The last time I saw him was at about 2am going into your room”, replied Sav.

Dazlin went bright red in the face, and mumbled something about Stevie the jester returning a book on tricks to him.  Why couldn’t he remember what he got up to last night?  And just who exactly was in his bed when he left? And who will prove to be the most talented musician in all of Geordieland? And will Sav ever get out of the kitchen?  Will Sir Shagalot ever actually get a shag?

To be continued…………………………………….